POS Apartments Coming to Northern Liberties – #SpiritSatire
In 2005, when real estate visionary Bort Blobstein proposed the construction of The Plaza at Schlitz — a dry-walled hodgepodge of modern 1- and 2-bedroom apartments and trendy boutiques buttressed by the former Schlitz Beer bottling plant in Northern Liberties — many of his investors thought he was crazy.
“They insisted that ‘dorm-chic’ was just a fad,” recalled Blobstein at a recent Donald Trump fundraising event. “Now we’ve reached full occupancy and are planning to add 1,000 ultra-luxury units, featuring exposed accent walls, fabricated from reclaimed particle board.”
The Plaza expansion project of Premium Occupancy Space (POS) Apartments is the next phase in Blobstein’s strategic plan to simultaneously make city dwelling more accessible for affluent, young Caucasian populations, while displacing artists from creative communities.
Like many of his speculative real estate investments, Blobstein’s recent decision to expand The Plaza was largely guided by his COK (Chief Officer of Knickknacks), Shelli Sachs.
“I use my knowledge of contemporary knickknacks to bring intrinsic value to Bort’s visions,” Sachs told Spirit News in an on-site interview at The Plaza. “I draw inspiration from Swedish design and culture,” she said.
“Just take a look around,” Sachs instructed us, as we stood in The Plaza’s central courtyard. “This is what young people want: It all looks like Ikea — not the marketplace — rather, the lower level with all the uniform aisles of towering brown boxes. It’s like a visual representation of the Bernie Sanders manifesto.”
The interview culminated in a tour of Blobstein’s new, temporary workplace, located in the Plaza storefront that had previously housed popular bar and restaurant, HPV Burger.
“This is where the idea for the Plaza was first conceived,” Sachs said, pointing to a well-worn loveseat beside Blobstein’s desk. “We were sitting here and he was stroking my head, saying, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if there was one place where yuppies could sleep, eat and buy designer bongs in the company of other white people?’ It was just a decade ago and look how far we’ve come!”
From beneath a pile of LEGO bricks on Blobstein’s desk, Sachs pulled out a staple-bound pamphlet, which turned out to be blueprints for the POS Apartments.
“The architect’s drawings will really give you an idea of what’s to come,” Sachs said. “Each unit will be constructed exclusively from rusty shipping containers and reclaimed vintage Ikea furniture. And because there are no windows, tenants will benefit from reduced energy costs and total privacy.”
If Blobstein secures funding, construction on the POS Apartments at The Plaza at Schlitz will begin as soon as he finds one of those damn five-sided Allen Wrenches.