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PPA Wars Episode I: A New Vision


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[Editor’s Note: We are big fans of Star Wars here at Spirit News, so we figured writing this story out as if it were a lost episode of the famed space saga would be a fun way to describe the mostly mundane topic of traffic-ticket enforcement. We hope you enjoy this creative take on an important issue Philly residents should be well versed on. May the Force be with you and your vehicles!]

 In late November, defense attorney Michael Coard publicized his ongoing battle with the Philadelphia Parking Authority (PPA). The journey took the rogue citizen through the process of fighting the bogus ticket, which included paying approximately four times the amount of money to Philadelphia Common Pleas Court. In the process, he devised a plan for the rest of us.

 The PPA issued about 170,000 tickets in Fishtown, Northern Liberties and Kensington from January 2012 to June 2015, according to data stolen from a disabled Delta-Class T-3c Shuttle. (We we really got these numbers from the Philly.com data project, but it’s a lot more fun to pretend, right?)

 I covered the kickoff press conference outside the PPA’s Death Star at 9th and Filbert. I parked on Arch Street and paid at the kiosk, but the machine wouldn’t print out a receipt. A droid malfunction… figures, right? Already late for the presser, I scrawled a note and left it for the PPA Stormtrooper to read so he could get the malfunctioning droid serviced. But the PPA left me a ticket instead. This is just as bad as killing my Uncle Owen and Aunt Whatever-her-name-was on Tatooine. (Disclaimer: I don’t actually have an Uncle Owen and I know all my real Aunt’s names. Well, at least the one who give me $50 for Christmas anyway.)

 Like any good Philly-based Jedi journalist, I set out to fight this ticket, so I reached out to Coard about his process. “Help me, Michael Coard. You’re my only hope.”

 I told Coard about my ticket and he pledged his assistance. He told me that it’s important to request that the officer who issued the ticket attend the hearing since the ticket is only “hearsay.” Another option Coard recommend is moving for immediate dismissal for not putting the exact address on the ticket (currently, the PPA just puts the block down on a violation). Coard cites a court order from a few years ago that compels the PPA to put the exact address on the ticket.

 I requested a hearing online, but didn’t see a place to request the officer’s presence. I did that separately later. My date in court was set for the week between Christmas and New Year’s. I hopped into my Vulptereen 327 (also known as my car) and proceeded to heavily patrolled sector of Center City.

 Normally I can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, but I was traveling with slow pokes driving in from the Dagobah and New York systems due to the holidays. Seriously, do New Yorkers not understand that “keep right, pass left” is the safest way in any galaxy?

 Upon getting into Center City, I got caught in traffic due to stopped cargo vehicles on the main roads. Where are the Stormtroopers when you need them!?

 Fearing lateness, I sucked it up and parked at 4th and Arch Street and hiked to 9th and Filbert on foot.

 After navigating through the densely populated Center City sector, I signed in with a woman at ticket court. She demanded license numbers and I waited for my name to be called. For two hours, I waited for my turn to fight my ticket. While the TV blasted CNN’s coverage of John Kerry explaining some abstaining on Israel, I was treated to another disgruntled resident arguing about a ticket on a car that was stolen 16 years ago.

 In between observing a mom with four padawans in tow and gold shoe-wearing subject asking for the key to the bathroom and turning over his ID to get it, I looked up how much money I could be earning if not sitting in parking ticket court.

 According the the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average American makes $24.57 an hour. I showed up at 11:55 AM for my noon hearing. The Imperials called my name after 1:50 PM. This is all for a $36 ticket! Let’s add in the fact that I left my home at 11AM and got back around 3PM. I’m terrible at math, but I think I lost about $100!

 On the Imperial PPA’s website they warn us lowly Ewoks, Twi’leks and Wookies about long wait times because they intentionally “overbook” thanks to “about half the [people] who schedule hearings don’t show up.” They further clarify by saying, “On some days the wait times can be long – an hour or more – depending on how many [people] decide to appear for each scheduled time slot [and] how many hearing examiners are available.”

 On this day the PPA’s Inquisitor greeted me, but clearly knew I was one with the Force and the Force was with me. While I sat and scrambled for my script about moving for dismissal, she interrogated me. But then something happened: I mentioned that I had never received a receipt and she quickly dismissed the ticket. The judge cited that others complained about the malfunctioning kiosk too. But I think I inadvertently used a Jedi mind trick on her.

 So the Empire thwarted my plan to fight the ticket with Coard’s tactics. I briefly retreated, but I know the PPA doesn’t plan on going away. Did you think this ticket was our last hope? No, there is another… I will complete the training under Master Coard and attack again.

Stay tuned for PPA Wars Episode II: The Journalists Strikes Back
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