Spirit Astrology: Your Weekly Dose of Hyperlocal Spiritual Advice (April 12, 2017)
Aries: It seems strange that we are taught as children that mythical beings such as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny exist. Yet when we look back upon Greek culture, their mythical creatures are so relevant. At some point, no one thought of them as mythical at all, but as real. I’m talking Pegasus and the Centaur, horses of strength. Meanwhile, I don’t think a single American adult has maintained a belief in Santa. Saint Nick seemed way more legit than Santa flying around on a sleigh led by flying reindeer (with no wings, mind you) delivering presents. Whatever, isn’t life mythical? Do you ever go through any day believing that all you see and have is real? Food grows from the ground. Oh, here’s this little seed; in a few weeks, with a little bit of sun and water, I am going to eat cucumber salads for a whole season. A smart phone? Trump is president? Etc. Your reality is only yours. Everything you see and everything you touch really is just yours. Not another person sees and feels about a single thing the way you do. So, Aries, as your birthday celebrates another new you this year, go ahead and accept the incredible mythical you. You’re the mermaid/merman of our times, if you want it.
Taurus: Part of me thinks perhaps I’ve written about this before, but so what? I’ll do it again, differently and better! I went to a show at Vox Populi sometime in fall 2015. I go there a lot, used to frequent it more, but try as I can. Anyway, this particular show at Vox had a lot of artists, I’m sure. Yet, the only one I remember is Peter Allen Hoffman. He had this crazy collection of giant awesome paintings. I say crazy because some of them were entirely geometric, maybe primary colors only, and the others were these lovely landscapes that just didn’t match the others. Although, of course they did, because that’s what he does. So, I go to Vox, I leave, and I go back. Why? Because I fell in love with paintings for the first time in so long. Friends of mine knew him and they said lovely things about his personality, but I didn’t even care. He could be the greatest ass of all time, but his paintings are not. Also, I’ve met him, he’s really sweet. Anyway, I don’t think I’ve ever been so touched by a current painter that is in my circle. I found him online, and I wrote him some fan mail. His response was astonished and sweet. He seemed taken aback by such a letter, but I tell you I meant and mean every word. This guy’s even got his work locked in as my iPhone homescreen now. Taurus, you should reach out to someone like I did. Someone who fascinates you, inspires you, and that you are glad is living in your circle. It will mean a lot to them and to you.
Gemini: A recent trip to Port Richmond Books had me inspired and feeling pretty fulfilled. It’s been awhile since I stepped foot into such a place. Books were all over, mostly organized. It smelled amazing and the prices were incredible. I picked up a book and I stood there reading it, weight on my left foot, for my right foot has been sprained for a bit. I loved all five pages of the book that I read in the shop. I also loved being about to read a few pages of a book in a shop. No judgement, nothing. I took the book to a couch and read. I only read those few pages, but I love this book so far. I will read the whole thing. I will go back to this shop. I will frequent this shop, which oddly opened only in 2005, and I will support it all I can. It brought back a world of love for so many things. I spoke to an old friend, now living in Ireland, about the book. It’s a hidden, lost masterpiece (so says its reviews), comparable to the likes of Salinger and the dopey/slacker 90’s angst, which is totally my style. Gemini, go to a place you don’t expect to find what you’re looking for, and let yourself fall in love with what you get. Even if you don’t get the whole thing yet, believe in what it seems to promise. Good luck to you, my friend. I hope you’re fully satisfied.
Cancer: I don’t like to say, “I don’t like” as a definitive statement. For example, I was recently asked what my thoughts on scotch are. I’m not a big fan, but it’s not that I don’t like it. The taste is usually delightful, but it goes down my throat in a sort of painful way and simply doesn’t make me feel so good. My response to this question was, “I drink clear liquor.” I often feel as though not liking something is a cop-out. Perhaps whatever this is, you haven’t even given it a try. Perhaps you made a judgement about something because you felt it was beneath you? There have been a few warm days here, indicating summer is coming. The Cancer loves summer. Take into consideration how good it feels to like something so much. It’s easier to like than to dislike; less effort and better feelings. Everything can be likable. Go do some things you “don’t like” doing, and learn to enjoy them. See why other people enjoy things. Maybe you don’t like Fishtown Tavern because it’s a hipster bar, or maybe you don’t like Frankford Hall because it’s douchey. Well, who are you to make such a judgement? Is the Frankford Hall-er not a ripping guitar player, just because he’s got cargo shorts on? Is the Fishtown Tavern-er not a good mother, because she’s dressed like Stevie Nicks and is drunk on a Saturday? Look at Daniel Johnston — he’s a stained-sweatpants-wearing kind of guy, who is known for some of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard. Go get liking!
Leo: So, you whimsical little creature, you wild Leo, you. Let’s talk about the zodiac changes according to NASA. Some of you will no longer be a Leo, if you’re to believe in science at all. And if you’re reading this, well, sure, you do believe in science, because you sure as hell aren’t seeking God. Ahem, let me rephrase that for those of you that are thinking I am comparable to God: Astrology could certainly be the works of God. For, if you believe in God, you believe He created the stars. And so, let it be known that NASA has realized quite a difference in the workings of our dear stars and it’s added a 13th sign, “Ophiuchus”. This bad boy falls right between Scorpio and Sagittarius. I think it’s nuts. I am no Capricorn now! I’m no workaholic, got no time for you, sweet little giver of all I can, which seems like not a lot to you but is everything to me. No way, no how. Yet, according to NASA, it’s all been fluxed. Leo, don’t let the man get you down, but don’t fight against him either. You just have to find the newness and cherish it. You’re down for change, so whether you’re a Cancer or a Virgo now, for Heaven’s sake, just hope it’s not the latter.
Virgo: For some reason, I often tend to think of my friend Ryen when I think of the Virgo. He’s this old friend, a Philly suburb native, now living in Tucson. He’s this kind of guy who is so sweet and helpful to anyone around him. Once, at SXSW maybe in 2004, I was with him. I’d even traveled with him from Tucson. He seemed annoyed by everything on the road, and everything once we got there too. While eating lunch one day, I told him I had this bump on my neck. Suddenly, he cared about everything. He asked me about it, and he told me he could try to heal me using his Reiki skills. Hypochondriac me, down for whatever, let him put his hand on my neck, as he stared in my eyes. Lo and behold, that bump has been nonexistent ever since. Virgo, you may be likely to internalize and become moody, but do not forget your powers. If this is you now, cherish your knowledge and spread the wealth. We look to you for this power of yours.
Libra: I’ve mentioned this before: my mum is a LIbra. I’m quite partial to the nurturing sense of you, due to this. I want to tell you a story. In April 1996, I was a mere 16 year old. I was home sick from school one day, and as my brothers and I did, I was lying in my folks’ bed, by the TV, which had cable. I was asleep when my mum walked in the room. I woke to her caressing my head. She asked me if I had seen the news. Confused, because I wasn’t much of a news watcher, I looked over at the TV. And there it was: Kurt Loder revealing to the world that Kurt Cobain was dead. My hero was gone. I cried like crazy with my mum holding me. All the while, she told me a story. She said in December 1980, when I wasn’t even a year old, she was having a craft night with her girlfriends. My father came home, heard the girls listening to the Beatles, and in entire relief, said something like, “Oh, you’re listening to the radio, so you’ve heard.” Little did he know they were listening to records of the Beatles, and my poor dad had to tell these Beatlemania-infected women that John Lennon had been shot. As my mum’s friends rolled around on the floor screaming, my mum said she was holding me. She said I was her way to get through that, her dream and reality of a little baby girl. Likewise, and no doubt, just then, she became everything to me. I needed her there then more than I needed Kurt Cobain to come back to life. Libra, take this as a lesson. You will always have a way to comfort someone, no matter how hard of a time they think they’re having. You’re the cheerleader of the nurturing spirit.
Scorpio: Perhaps one of the things I miss most about living in a house I can call my own is being able to host an evening with friends. Playing games like charades, all the while making sure everyone is comfortable. I love to host a gathering. I like providing the atmosphere with great lighting and snacks. I spend a lot of time daydreaming about the day when all of my things are in one place, and nothing of mine is in storage at my parent’s house. I want to feel like I can finally settle into something. I am getting older and this nomadic life I’ve been living is becoming more of a drag than ever. I went to Martha the other evening for a friend’s birthday. This place has a great atmosphere. Anyway, I saw two married couple friends of mine, there with their children. I felt so envious. The only thing I could really even think was, “Must be nice”. Must be nice to have met someone that loves you as much as you love them. Must be nice to find a partner, a best friend, that wants to share their life with you, and so you buy a house together that you live in together, and then you have a child together. Yeah, that must be really nice. Scorpio, if you’re feeling anything like I am, like you’re just chasing a dream all through your life, try that thought of mine: “Must be nice”. It may just make you as angry as I get, which only makes me want to try harder for the things I want.
Sagittarius: I remember hearing a comedian doing a bit on texting. He talked about how you can be having a text conversation, where two people are very present. He goes on about how maybe the conversation is about pizza. Back and forth texting right on time, and then one texter texts the other and says, “Well, let’s go get some pizza,” and then gets no response. It’s as if the person on the other end is coming up with an excuse to say no, or maybe waits a super long time, and writes back a response like, “Sorry, something came up.” I have friends who are always on their phones, and I have friends that I rarely see on their phones. I take this as a sign for how one should respond to me, so when the always-on-the-phone person doesn’t respond, I can tell they are not responding for a reason. Likewise, with the never-on-the-phone person, I expect little, and usually will make a point to ask for a response, if I need it. I look at my phone as “treat people how you’d like to be treated”. If someone sends me a text that I can tell they’d like a response to, I try to respond quickly, and so on. I believe so much in treating others as I want to be treated, and I think you should follow my lead. If you treat others how you want to be treated, they will only treat you better, and being treated well feels really good.
Capricorn: I have these little meltdowns once a month. I see these as completely valid feelings, but I know they’re entirely hormonal; PMS, if you will. Every time I roll around to the time of meltdown, I totally just melt down. I know what’s up, but these tears fill my eyes, and this mood changes the mood of everyone around me. There’s a little metaphor we all know called “walking on eggshells.” I’ll tell you, you ought to prepare yourself, if you know me, to learn the monk-like life of learning this trade, truly. Otherwise, whatever I am going through is totally your fault. According to my experience with one my my best friends and brothers, Jesse, the Capricorn is the most dominant of all signs. I feel weak around you. I feel ashamed for my entire being when I get like this, because (if you’re anything like Jesse), you’ll just call me out when I don’t want to be called out. Then somehow I am trying to become the sturdy walker on the shells, to not disappoint. So much as I appreciate the stern and logical mind of the Capricorn, I am an emotional Aquarian woman. Capricorn, I urge you to take this time to go inside of yourself, and think, “What happens to the rest of the egg when those around me are walking on their shells? Are they totally wasted, or eaten and cooked?” Feel bad for the eggs first, then for those who you force to walk on them. If you eat eggs, I say the next time you’re cooking some, throw some shells on the ground, walk on them, and watch yourself demolish them. Don’t expect people to be able to do this around you. Just loosen up a little, and let’s all learn to walk on water instead. It’s seemingly more impressive.
Aquarius: Last week, I think I slept an equal amount of time as I was awake. At first, I thought it was just because I was really tired, but by Saturday, I realized it’s because I’ve been very depressed lately. Thanks to my meds, I am handling this incredibly low point much healthier than I ever have in the past, but I am stuck in a rut of wondering why I’ve spent so much of my life working so hard to end up where I am now – too broke to leave the house, even. Why do we work so hard for what we want, and sometimes we don’t get it? And what if the things we really want are unachievable without teamwork? How do you find your teammate? I am ready for so much life to live, yet I’m instead stuck with only desires, wishes, and dreams. I think we fantastical Aquarians should put our collective energy together and cast some spells unto our dreams so we can be grounded into reality. I want to experience the joys of success (again), stability, and motherhood; what about you? Let’s do this together, really. I will meditate on those two squiggly lines we were given, and try to straighten them out. Will you join me?
Pisces: A few weeks ago, I received a letter from a fan of my astrology column. Her name is Jane and she is a Fishtowner. The thing she said that made me the happiest was that she enjoyed my writing enough to read all of the horoscopes, not just hers. I like this, because I am often proud of my work and I wish everyone would read the whole page. However, most people only read their horoscope and maybe their lovers’, too. I was recently interviewed for the OKCupid blog, offering relationship advice. Between this and that, I think I would like to start an advice blog, where people write in and I offer advice. I have great advice for others; I just don’t take my own often enough. I guess I decided that since no one else has ever wanted to prioritize me, why should I prioritize myself? I am only one opinion out of many, so the other people not seeing me as a priority must be what the correct way of thinking is. As I pity myself through my life, Pisces, I suggest you throw yourself a pity party, too. It actually can be very humbling, as it forces you to appreciate what you do have. •