Hello again everybody! The good folks at The Spirit have taken my bribe…er, liked my work so much that they gave me a chance to follow up my Back to School article, which centered around advice for students, with a quick primer on parent-teacher relations. As a person who has served as a teacher, administrator, mediator, parent, legal guardian and, according to one parent, Antichrist (true story) during parent teacher interactions, I feel uniquely qualified to offer y’all some advice on how to treat each other to facilitate the best possible education for your children.

RECOMMENDATION #1 (and this is for both parties) Re-read the last 7 words of the previous sentence. That should be the endgame – The. Best. Possible. Education. For. Your. Children. Not your private agendas, not the chance to manifest your frustrations with the world, and certainly not your personal vendettas against one another, if such things have arisen. Both parties need to keep in mind the last two words in particular, because good teachers and good parents both feel like the students are “our kids;” as such, passions run deep and emotions [sometimes] run high, best to leave those out of the equation when interacting with each other. It’s hard, I know, but – remember – it ain’t about you, it’s about the kid. That being established, we move on to…

RECOMMENDATION #2 (This is for the parents/guardians) Listen folks, I know you care about your kids and, in most regards, you know what’s best for them, but just like you trust the doctor when you take your kid to the hospital, you should trust that we teachers have your child’s best interest in mind. Many of you don’t. Why? If you don’t mind, to answer that question, I’m going to quote from my 3rd book, Teaching Sucks: But We Love It; a little insight into the profession you think you know – “Folks get their homes repaired, multiple times, but they don’t automatically think they could be construction worker, plumbers, etc. People and their family members undergo surgeries, and visit hospitals, but they don’t automatically think they could be surgeons…and yet, because [you] went to school, or have children in school, legions of [you] feel like you know what it is to be a teacher.”

You don’t.

Seriously, if you did, your kids would be better behaved, more inquisitive and less dependent when they arrive in our classrooms.

Was that too harsh? Tough. So is being micromanaged by a population that expects us to get an undernourished 11th grade “College Prep” student on a 4th grade reading level with anger issues ready for some standardized test filled with arbitrary bull$#!+ that some politician (who is heavily invested in their failure) deemed important.  And if we don’t work that miracle, 100+ times a year, our performance may be rated “unacceptable” by some transient administrator and both our paychecks and job security become jeopardized. Of course, the politician, the administrator and the testing service aren’t the ones sitting next to your kid EVERY DAY, getting to know them, caring about them, agonizing over them; the only people doing that are…

Me and you; the parent and the teacher.

So please, when you call, email, text or show up in person, give the teacher the benefit of the doubt before you pounce. We don’t need gifts, cards or praise; we didn’t go into teaching for that. Just don’t go behind our back or “over our head.” Talk to us first, TALK to us first. Don’t yell, insult or threaten. Think of the message you’re sending to your kids when you do that crap. I’ve been teaching for almost a quarter century (I know! I don’t look that old, right? Right??) and I have seen civil, adult communication between parent and teacher resolve 90% of all issues, and those issues that weren’t fixed were probably going to remain unresolved even if Jesus Christ dropped in, waked across the pool, gave unlimited wine to everyone and ran the mediation hearing himself. All blasphemy aside, parents, just follow this simple guide when dealing with teachers – Ask yourself one question: Regardless of how much I might be struggling, do you believe that I have your child’s best interest in mind? If yes, then we can work together to facilitate The. Best. Possible. Education. For. Your. Children. Key words – work together, which brings us to one reminder: “My job is to teach them WITH you, not raise them FOR you” (Stepnowski 29). I just cited myself. Correctly. The English teacher thing, it never goes away, people. And speaking of teaching…

RECOMMENDATION #3 (for the teachers) Yeah, yeah…I know you’re busy, I’m one of you, remember? I’ll be quick. Since they’re right around the corner, Thou shalt accept the algebraic certainty of parent-teacher conferences: For every 10 parents that show up…

• 8 will be parents of the “A” students. These parents need to be reminded that they’re doing a good job. (They are, and you should be glad to tell them that. Ask them for advice; the involved parent is an endangered species and often untapped resource!)
• 1 will be the parent of the student who might be struggling, even disrespectful, but this parent is dealing with the same behavior at home and needs your help to secure the kid’s future. (Take your time with this one, and stay in touch; they need the help and their support may prove invaluable to you later.)
• 1 will be one of those ignorant, lazy, racist, stupid, racist, apples trees from which are born ignorant, lazy, racist, stupid apples. They will blame you for everything from their child’s reading level to the war in Iran. (Smile, be professional, contemplate their immolation later over a pumpkin beer, and use them as guidelines for how NOT to act at YOUR kids’ parent-teacher conferences.)

To summarize in 20 words: To be like Pharell –  parents/ teachers, behave toward each other the way you want your kids to behave in society.

The English teacher thing, it really never goes away.