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Spirit Astrology: Your Weekly Dose of Hyperlocal Spiritual Advice (March 15, 2017)

Aries: I went against my doctor’s orders and personal beliefs and quit taking my meds cold turkey. I went three days without taking my magic pills, which have cured my anxiety and killed my libido. I had a few nightmares, cried for two days straight and felt so dizzy on the fourth day that I popped one right away. I should have known better, but I feel so powerful sometimes that I think I can conquer anything. Boy, was I wrong. Almighty Aries, you must remember you are still human and you mustn’t challenge the works of the G-O-D or whatever. You’re a strong and powerful part of our Zodiac, but if you’re reading this, you know you’re human enough to break down. The only way to stay afloat is to keep paddling.

Taurus: Progresso Soup makes a split pea in their “Vegetable Classics” series of products. It’s funny because it’s flavored with bacon, which is deceiving. The ingredients list bacon as coming in as one of the “less than two percent” ingredients. I eat it anyway, despite the fact that bacon hasn’t been a part of my diet since I was in single digits. I advise you to find something in life that strikes your deliciousness factor just right, and even if it’s two percent less than you want it to be, remember it might satisfy you anyway.

Gemini: What is up with the Acme on Girard? I go there about once a week and every time they’re moving stuff around or closing entire aisles. The other day, it took three employees to help me find fresh-shaved parmesan cheese, which is the one thing that hadn’t moved since they opened. What could they possibly be trying to get right? Do they have some crazy general manager who come in and says, “No, no, this is all wrong! We just…. gah… need to move the the entire natural food aisle over from aisle six to aisle eight,” as if aisle six suddenly just doesn’t make sense anymore? Well, you’re in for a treat, Gemini. I challenge you to write a list of 10 things you need and see if you can get to the checkout line in five minutes. If you can, I predict your next week will be awesome. If not, the foreshadow will hold the truth of the trying next week for you.

Cancer: I like to get my tires replaced and filled at Trinidad Tires on Frankford Avenue. I like it when they call me Mommy and fill my tires for free. The funny thing is, I wouldn’t need the free air or the endearment if I weren’t always buying used tires from them. Yet I keep doing it and keep enjoying it. Maybe you’ve got something similar going on? Something you know could be better, but you enjoy the way it is? Lucky for the Cancer, taking the easy way out is not your forte. Do as you wish and enjoy as you do, Mommy.

Leo: The reason I don’t believe in the law of attraction is simply because it doesn’t work. I have worked very hard for and visualized the things I want in life and still no pizza is being magically delivered to my house by a secret admirer! Although this may be because I do not have a house. I just nomadically, depressingly hop around from house to house, while trying to get a job and visualizing a happy home life with a family of my own. Leo, if you’re feeling unloved or unwanted or unwelcome lately, please don’t hesitate to call me. I will most certainly shed light on your life, as you hear about how tragically my poor little heart suffers in its true state of abandonment and disregard. You’ll be certain to see how good you’ve got it compared to the life I live!

Virgo: I’ve never understood the term “tough cookie,” although it appears I am one. It’s described in its etymology to be “a person who can endure physical or mental hardship.” If I weren’t such a tough cookie, I’d most likely be institutionalized by now. The amount of rejection I’ve felt over the past year has been so incredibly heartbreaking. From the denial of a job to the termination of a wonderful relationship, I’ve somehow endured this pain like a strong woman should. I never challenged it, or asked to bring it on, and if you really want to know, I’d like to start enduring love and acceptance instead. For every tear I shed or breath I take, I try to let go of the bad and bring in the good, regardless of the fools’ energy I’ve been cursed with for so long. Virgo, I encourage you to take a deep breath with me. Maybe even realize that the bad energy you’re trying to let go of is actually created by you. You need to remember to breathe in the good or you spread the bad with every exhale.

Libra: Randy Newman wrote an entire song about short people having no reason to live and nobody to love. At a mere 5’1” tall, I’ve always felt like he was terrible for writing this song, until I realized maybe he is right. What if the reason I keep losing everything is because my time is as worthless as it feels? Sad, huh? Well, lucky for me, my dear mum is a Libra. Her incredibly nurturing nature makes me feel loved very much. She reminds me that I do have a reason. Libra, be sure you’re using your incredible skills these days to nurture those around you. They need you more than you know.

Scorpio: If you second-guess something, does it mean that it isn’t good? Is it the thing you’re second-guessing, or is it you you’re second-guessing? It is hard to separate which is which sometimes, but important that we do so. See, maybe it’s easier to blame the thing in question. This makes us not have to look within to recognize what is really the thing in question, which is sometimes just ourselves. Scorpio, it’s time for you to be aware of this. You need to know it’s okay to second-guess yourself sometimes. It might help the other things in question feel better.

Sagittarius: Comedian Mitch Hedberg had a skit about mumbling when he was alive. He spoke about how he was a mumbler, and gave an example of his friend not hearing or understanding him and then repeating himself over and over until Mitch screams clearly what he’s been mumbling: “That tree is very far away!” A meaningless and pointless statement, blurred out like so, was quite funny. You see, regardless of what it is you’re trying to express, someone is going to ask to hear it. What may be a mere observation to you could bring thousands of people joy, if you’re willing to let it.

Capricorn: I often feel tired in the sun. I wonder if this is because I squint so much, or because the sun kind of bores me. It seems so basic, especially after spending years of my life out west, between Los Angeles and Tucson. The sun shines every day, so when it doesn’t, the attitude surrounding the grey sky is calm and delighted. If it were up to me, snow would have bombarded our measly little winter, and I’d be feeling awake and alive. Maybe there’s something that you are often around that seems like it would be better if you could change it up a bit? Maybe it would be a little bit more exciting if you could control it more? Well, unfortunately, this isn’t the case. Trust me if it were, there would be grey skies more often than not. Let’s make a plan together, Capricorn. Let’s go ahead and let whatever it is that’s got us down shed its glorious magical light upon us. Let us feel its warmth upon our souls. Let’s learn to appreciate the moments of joy this thing can bring us. Let’s fall in love and learn to live with what we’ve got, not with what we think we should have.

Aquarius: Sometimes it seems like I’m dancing through life while my feet are falling out of rhythm. I hear the music, I have the urge, but as I dance, I can’t keep up. Sometimes I can fib this, but lately it seems everyone around me is booing me off of the dance floor. Then I realize everyone around me is dancing with a partner, in perfect rhythm. I see women being twirled and dipped, with the help of their partner, of course. Here I am all alone, tripping over my feet as if I weren’t at a point in my life an award-winning tap dancer. How could I have ended up here? Aquarius, if you’re with me on this, maybe it’s time to just sit this song out, you know? Take a breather and come back in full effect!

Pisces: L Ron Hubbard, a science fiction and fantasy writer who developed the beliefs of Scientology, is a fellow Pisces. Thanks to the publication of his book Dianetics, he was named the most translated and published author in the world by the Guinness Book of World Records. Upon writing this popular piece of science fiction, I highly doubt L. Ron imagined he’d be taken so literally and become so renowned. I wonder if he thought he’d change people’s lives as he did, or if he could have ever fantasized the giant blue Church of Scientology on Sunset Blvd. in LA to be made out of his fantasies. I really bet the answer is no. If you’ve got a particular project you’re working on, of if you find yourself fantasizing about something, keep with it. You see, even the most insane fantasies can come true.

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